Just in time for Halloween, my daughter and I discovered a freaky sight in our backyard.  Yep, it was a ginormous spider.  OK, ladies, there are three things that make my skin crawl more than anything: Clowns (creepy), balloons (those dang things scare the pee out of me when they pop), and spiders.  Big or small, hairy or slick, aggressive or passive.  It doesn’t matter.  Those arachnids must be sent to earth straight from the devil himself.  Yuck!!  Anyway, imagine my shock…no, wait….total loss of composure when I saw this:




She was hiding between our fence and our shed.  I think that’s her poor mate hanging there all wrapped up for dinner.  Nice, huh?
 
When my husband returned home that evening, my daughter and I were screaming, exasperated by the impending doom that we just knew was coming when this massive creature made her move to take over the world, or at the very least, our property.  You see, she had already constructed two disgusting pods filled with her hideous offspring.  Are you getting the idea that I strongly dislike spiders?  My husband thought we were hilarious, if not slightly histrionic.  Hmpf.  He just didn’t have the foresight to understand her evil plan.  He kept referring to the fact that I was the one who wanted to build on this piece of land, which backs up to the land leading to Lake Lewisville.  Fine.  Whatever.  Weak argument when our very lives were at stake!!

Fortunately for me, my husband agreed to gently dispose of Ms. Spider, but before he could get out there to do the deed, she died a natural death.  I went to check on her (you know, to be sure she hadn’t moved any closer to the house), and saw her lying on the ground, ghastly legs pointing skyward.  A part of me felt some amount of relief, but much to my surprise, I felt a twinge of regret.  It’s weird, but I think I had personified her to the point of admiration.  I mean, the old gal did give birth (or whatever they do) to , like, 9,000 kiddos, and I can barely keep up with three.  Maybe she wasn’t as bad as I made her out to be in my mind.  My daughter, on the other hand, was totally placated.  No matter, we were now sans freakishly huge spider, and we all slept a little better that night.  No doubt, my poor husband was just happy not to hear me talk about her incessantly! 

I hope you never have to feel conflicted about a spider lady like I did about my visitor.  Have a  Seriously Happy Halloween!

 
RIP Ms. Spider 2010-2010 Gone to that Big Spider Web in the Sky

OK, ladies, it’s your decision to have cosmetic surgery or not.  I happen to be a fan of it, in moderation, of course.  But, seriously, do you really need to “expand” to size Quadruple Q ???  Take, for example, reality “star” Heidi Montag, and her recent, um, revisions.  Those things look like they could hurt someone!!  Why oh why did she feel necessary to increase her cup size to bucket size?  Now I’m an extremely blessed woman myself; in fact, a little more blessed than I’d like to be, so I know that being large up top can hinder the most common daily activities.

I suppose we live in a world that glorifies the female anatomy, and that most men take the side of bigger being better when it comes to their wives/girlfriends in terms of top measurements, but there are actually many challenges that go along with being huge-breasted.  First of all, when I do most types of exercise, I have to wear two to three sports bras.  Talk about frustrating!  Also, I can’t wear normal button-up shirts like most women.  On me, they just don’t button any higher than my midsection.  And don’t even get me started about swimsuit shopping.  Ugh.  I have to purchase a top much larger than a bottom, and that’s not easy to do in a tasteful one-piece (which is what a 40-something should probably be wearing by this time).  I end up paying a lot more than I want to, because I have to shop at the most expensive specialty shops, just so that I can hit the beach in something other than a t-shirt and board shorts!

Heidi Montag and other celebrities purchase big lady lumps to get more attention.  In my case, I’m often dismayed by the fact that most men (and some women!) don’t seem to notice anything other than what’s a few inches below my face.  That’s why I’m opting to reduce my “girls.”  Not only will it ease the pain in my back, neck, and shoulders, but maybe I’ll be able to enjoy shopping more, and be able to wear more of the things I want to wear.  Oh, and maybe, just maybe people will notice what color my eyes are for a change!  Seriously.

If you get a call from your child’s school letting you know that your precious angel plagiarized an essay, and you throw a fit, demand a do-over, and blame the teacher, you may be a Helicopter Parent.  If little Johnny comes home with a “C” on an assignment, and you are just positive that his theory on bubble-blowing is a Nobel Prize winning composition, so you call the teacher, and threaten to get her fired, you might just be a Helicopter Parent.  If you see that your perfect daughter earned a zero on a project, but you are certain that your baby would never fail to turn in an assignment, so you call the principal to demand that action be taken against her horrible teacher (only to find the missing assignment one week later, stuffed down in her backpack), you might be…nope…you ARE a Helicopter Parent!

I’ve dealt with a few parents like this (they are the minority, thank goodness!), and I feel bad for their children.  Here’s the reality, Mom and Dad:  Humans make mistakes.  It’s how we learn to survive in this world.  Are you doing them any favors by fighting their battles for them?  No, all you’re teaching them is that they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions, because you will always step in and “fix” it for them.  Look around.  You see products of Helicopter Parents everywhere.  They have trouble holding down jobs, and do not typically form healthy relationships in the real world.  Real work is a foreign concept to them, since they’ve always had you to take care of the “hard” stuff for them.  As adults, they don’t know how to deal with failure.

I have an idea!  Let’s teach our children to take responsibility for their own choices.  Help them learn that all of their actions have consequences, both positive and negative.  Show them how to be humble and selfless.  Teach them to take constructive criticism, and model hard work and appropriate behavior to them.  Let them see that you are not perfect, and help them understand that they won’t be either.  Through your example, they can learn to make good choices, and do the right thing.  One of the best things you can do for them is teach them to fly on their own!  Seriously.